My friend and I were recently talking about our tendency to acknowledge when things feel hard, but to gloss over them. To use our natural optimistic, glass half-full attitude to focus on the good things, the things we are grateful for as a way to feel better. She said she has known this stuff was lurking within her, but she is a positive person and wanted to keep her head up and focus on all the good stuff she had going for her. She thought acknowledging it was there was enough. “Yeah, things are hard, but I’m fine.” We all do that, right? I’m fine, It’s fine. Look at all the the things I have to be grateful for, I don’t need to dwell on these hard things. I’m fine. Well, she discovered, as we all have, that glossing over the “hard stuff” and focusing on the good doesn’t make those feelings go away. They just linger in the background. This little cloud falling you around. Which means that the good stuff, the things we are grateful for and that make us happy will always have that little cloud falling them around creating a darkness over even the stuff that lights us up. If we don’t take the time to not just acknowledge the feelings, but actually allow ourselves to feel and explore them they will continue to haunt us. We need to get curious.
Why do I feel so upset? What feels so hard? Why do I think I am feeling this way? Why did that circumstance impact me so deeply? What can I learn from this?
I understand the fear that if you start to pry it open a bit, if you start to get curious, the floodgates will open wide up and swallow you whole. That had been my fear for a long time. I had been living on “I’m fine” for so long, but knowing that there was a lot of things lurking below the surface that felt so heavy. If I start to check those things out, if I start to feel what I have been pushing down and away for so long, will it consume me completely? I know I spent years trying not to acknowledge the pain of my experiences because I thought if I let myself go there it may be so big I will get lost in it. But, I have come to realize that by avoiding it it still consumes us, but in more subtle and covert ways. The pain won’t go away until we address it.
What we resist persists!
We need to acknowledge the difficulties, we need to make space to feel whatever is really there in that moment, but not get so caught up in it that we spiral down and get stuck in the mucky darkness. That’s why it is important to not go at it all alone, whether that be a therapist, a coach, or a friend you can trust. They can help you navigate the darker waters, holding your hand and making sure you don’t fall so deeply in that you aren’t able to come back out.
And, trust me, although it is scary, we can’t stay in the “I’m fine” mode forever. Whether or not you want it, the feelings will eventually come to the surface. And, they will continue to be a cloud looming over all your experiences until you do finally decide to shine a light into the dark recesses of your soul.
Through my experience I have found that by letting myself be in the discomfort with an open heart and really allowing whatever is there to be there, I have come out the other end feeling stronger, more empowered, and wiser. I have shed light on my darkness. I now have a better understanding of how I got to be where I am. I have a better understanding of I why I lost faith in my worthiness, my deservedness for all that I desire. How my past has shaped the way I think and live my life now. How our culture, our family, the media influence and program us to “be” a certain way. It is liberating when we shed light on all of this because then we get to make more conscious, intentional choices. Once we explore the darkness and become aware of our limiting core beliefs and how they manifested, we take back control. We can make positive shifts, we can choose to see things differently now that we have more understanding of our patterns and subconscious blocks.
We get our power back! Now, that is something to be grateful for!