I am guilty of being a compulsive people pleaser.
For as long as I can remember I avoided confrontation at all cost.
I was so uncomfortable with the idea of people being upset at me. As a little kid when my mom said she was disappointed in me or my behavior I would immediately burst into tears.
As a teen I refused to burn any bridges even when I continued to be burned (insert toxic friendships and crappy boyfriends).
As an adult the same patterns of lose boundaries and people pleasing continued. I was a “Yes” girl even when I wanted to say no. I was a “go with the flow” girl even when it didn’t feel good.
There were a few times in the past couple of years that I experienced friends holding healthy boundaries (and not people pleasing) and it was reflected back to me that my annoyance of their unwillingness to compromise was actually just examples of healthy boundaries. They weren’t being mean, they weren’t disregarding my feelings or needs intentionally, but they were holding healthy and strong personal boundaries for themselves. In the moments that both of those incidents were reflected back to me (very close to each other) it was like an ‘aha’ moment. My annoyance was only because I had no boundaries and expected other people to be the same.
And what it boils down to is the real reason I was such a people pleaser was because I wanted to be liked. I was so fearful of what others thought of me, whether or not they liked me, or wanted to be my friend. I wanted to feel validated, important, good enough, and my way of doing that was by making others happy.
People pleasing is exhausting and depleting and never actually made me feel good enough, liked, or important on a deep soul level. It was a surface level bandaid for a much bigger wound and my soul wasn’t fooled.
But, when these types of patterns have been ingrained in you for most of your life it takes real work, awareness and determination to change them.
Here are 2 Things You MUST Do To Let Go of People Pleasing for Good:
Let Go of Your Need to Be Liked by Everyone
Because here’s the deal you will never be liked by everyone. And there is no need to be. The energy behind people pleasing only attracts more people into your life that will take advantage of your lose boundaries. But, when you create healthy boundaries and make your needs just as important as everyone else’s then energetically you are attracting the right people into your life that will support, love, and respect you even when you aren’t bending over backwards for them. And, funny thing is the people that held really strong boundaries with me I came to really respect because of it. I didn’t dislike them, judge them, or take it personally. I saw them as teachers of a very important lesson.
Start Loving Yourself Instead
When you love yourself deeply you no longer need approval and acceptance by everyone else. It’s time to create healthy boundaries that honor your needs. Before saying “yes,” ask yourself “is this honoring me? Is this supportive, kind, and respectful to me? Will this fill me up or deplete me and cause resentment?” And secondly, prioritize self-care and self-love practices by creating a powerful daily routine. For ideas on what to include in a daily routine that will make feeling good your new normal and establish a foundation of self love and worthiness check out my free guide, The 1st Step to Manifesting A Life You Love.