I want to talk today about a spiritual message that I think creates a lot of shame. It’s this idea that we create our reality. I’ve heard over and over again in the spiritual community that “Everything we experience is our own creation. Our thoughts create our reality.” There is some truth in here, but I think a lot more harm is done with this blanket statement.
It is misunderstood when the idea of “You create your reality” leads to the belief that we are responsible for everything we experience. Our thoughts, our energy, our vibration is responsible for every single thing we “attract” into our lives? No! That is just not true and creates a lot of unnecessary worry, shame, and fear. We have to stop blaming people for the terrible things they have experienced. You didn’t create the molestation you experienced. You didn’t create the abuse or neglect. You didn’t create the rape. I didn’t create the fact that my son died 5 minutes before he took his first breath on this earth.
I do believe that our Soul, that part of us that is eternal and divine, did come into this life wanting to experience certain things for its own evolution and expansion. The Divine within us wants to experience all of what it means to be human- to grow, learn, and play here on earth. So in a true spiritual sense some of the hardest things we experience are in service of the greatest evolution and expansion of our Soul. Everything can be in service to the evolution of our Soul AND being human also means we are just going to experience hard things. Really hard things. It’s not your fault! The law of attraction world does a lot of harm when people feel blamed and shamed for the terrible things they have experienced. This idea of “we create our reality” gets distorted when the message becomes: your energy is what’s wrong, your thoughts are what’s wrong. It’s your fault that terrible thing happened. You attracted it. No!!
We do 100% impact our human experience through our thoughts, beliefs, and energy. If we believe that we never get what we want because we aren’t smart, aren’t beautiful, aren’t worthy, aren’t good enough then we will bring in experiences that match and affirm our belief system. We will disregard the experiences that don’t. That’s just science. That’s called confirmation bias, your brain literally looks for evidence to support the beliefs you already hold.
Our beliefs matter, they greatly impact how we experience ourselves, our lives, the world. But, where the important distinction lies is that the really bad things that have happened to you are not your fault! You didn’t believe into existence your father’s suicide, your partner’s infidelity, the abuse your received as a child.
What it does mean is that you do have a responsibility to look at your thoughts, your beliefs, your patterns, your habits if you want your life to change. If you aren’t happy with life as it is in this moment, if you want to feel happier, healthier, more confident, authentic, if you want to experience yourself and your life differently then it’s foundational to look at those things and see how they impact your experience of life.
But, that’s so different from shaming people for the terrible things that have happened to them. Do you see that? I didn’t create the death of my son because I had fear during pregnancy. I didn’t create the death of my son because of any negative thought or belief I had. That was just a terrible tragedy. Tragedy and pain is a part of life. Period!
I do believe (a process of 13 years since his death) that there are soul lessons that I have received from this painful experience. For example, I have a deeper understanding of grief that allows me to hold space for others and my level of compassion for human suffering grew exponentially.
I didn’t create his death. However, I am responsible with how I choose to move forward. How I choose to integrate that experience into my perception of life. Do I take that experience and allow it to affirm that life is scary, that living is too painful, that I am a terrible mother who couldn’t protect her own baby. If I held onto those beliefs and thoughts as my truth they would greatly influence how I experienced life moving forward.
I felt all of those thoughts deeply, but I chose not to stay there, not to make those beliefs the filter in which I perceived my reality.
You see, that’s where our responsibility for our creation of life comes into play. Not in the terrible things that happen, but in our choice of how we make meaning of those things.
I chose to do the work to forgive myself, to forgive the people involved in that experience. I could have chosen to blame others (I had a whole list of people to target), or myself which would have fueled resentment, hate, blame, and shame. My reality would then have been filtered through those energies.
Instead I chose to take the tragedy and advocate to change protocol in that hospital for parents who experience loss. I chose to share my story and connect with other women so we all felt less alone. It broke me and my husband wide open and I chose to see the gift in our deeper level of emotional intimacy and bonding. I chose to get pregnant again even though it was terrifying. I chose gratitude and love for even the short amount of time I got to experience my son’s life inside of me.
It‘s in our choice of how we make meaning that impacts the creation of our reality. That is such a huge difference that doesn’t blame and shame victims for the terrible things that happened to them. It shifts the focus to what one chooses to do with these experiences. You do greatly impact your reality through your thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, etc, but that doesn’t make you solely responsible for everything that you experience.
If you have ever felt shame or blamed for the terrible things you have experienced because of the messaging in the spiritual world, I hope this gives you a little bit of a new understanding. It is not your fault. You did not cause those things. You are human and things happen.
Your only responsibility is to understand that you have underlying beliefs, thoughts, and perceptions that are influencing how you experience life and you have a choice, in each moment, to bring awareness to them and do the work to change them if you don’t like what you are experiencing.
The work that I do with clients is all about uncovering and working with the beliefs that were formed in those painful experiences and healing the parts that need attention and love so that those beliefs no longer negatively influence how we move through the world. If you’re interested in learning more, please do reach out. I would be happy to answer any questions.